Kristin Reimer singlehandedly changed me. With the transformational approach she uses for her Photomuse business, she broke through my decades of distress around being photographed.

I had been haunted for over a year by random snark someone had left about my continuing use of an old headshot, from 2016, for my 2022 book release. They suggested it was, perhaps, time for a new one. I was horrified that anyone might think I was trying to mislead them about my age and appearance. What if I showed up and people recoiled at the sight of the decrepit old hag I’ve become instead of the younger version I had deceived them into expecting? That thought was almost as awful as the prospect of sitting for more photos. I put it off. But once Kristin got me to (gasp) enjoy the photo session where she turned me into a forest witch, I went back to her for updated headshots.

I wanted outdoor light. She suggested public spaces. Oof. Could I really withstand passersby watching me pose? For inspiration, I visualized two of my friends who had posed for Kristin at MISTI-Con with confidence I couldn’t even imagine for myself.

Look at these visions of fun. Here’s Geoff Skelington Hutton, aka Dream Quaffle, living out their dream of getting weirder and hotter every day.

Here’s MISTI-Con organizer Lynn Roy.

And his eyebrow, which deserves a paragraph of its own.

Visualizing the two of them helped me remember that life is too short to be self-conscious. Thank you, friends.

Kristin started me off with an old friend: the crow prop who had enchanted me at my previous session. I’ve learned that I feel more comfortable interacting with something in photos.

But I don’t think I can include the crow in author photos, much as I love him. I think it’ll give the mistaken impression that I write spooky fiction. I already get enough negative reviews from people disappointed that my Snape book isn’t fanfiction. I’ve learned my lesson about the importance of telegraphing genre!

Kristin sent me this one with the message, “Ok, I know you weren’t crazy about side/profiles/etc but I love this one too – you have so much knowledge and confidence showing in this – and sexy on top of it!”

Huh. Really? That wouldn’t have occurred to me. Those bags under my eyes… but then, I am middle-aged. It’s accurate. And then I realized I’ve always shied away from side shots because of messages I internalized from Seventeen magazine when I was a teen. All those beauty tips aimed toward white girls talked about their profiles and the bridges of their noses… things that didn’t apply to my Korean face. I ended up believing what the white kids in grade school told me, that my face was flat and shapeless and I had no profile. In a shot like this, I imagined I would look like a flounder.

Huh. So Kristin, who is white, thought this photo worked? I polled other friends, both Asian and not; they liked it, too. I could feel my assumptions shifting. Maybe I’ll use this photo for a few things.

As a minority in the U.S., on the rare occasions I work with photographers or makeup artists, there’s always a moment when I have to wonder if they’ll know what to do with my face. Will I hear fretful comments like “sallow” or “eyelids” or “contour,” as though I were being nonstandard and a challenge on purpose?

While she was clipping ornaments into my hair, Kristin started talking about her experiences as official show photographer for the Miss New York pageant. Because this competition focuses on scholarships and community service, they get competitors of absolutely every ethnic background — and every kind of hair. Kristin talked about the moment that the outgoing winner places the crown on the head of the new winner and has to figure out, on the fly, how to work with that kind of hair! She mused that maybe the pageant ought to prepare competitors with this skill ahead of time: “It happens every year.”

It was amazing how much more I trusted her, subconsciously, after she said that. She talked, too, about the years she lived in Japan. I would be okay, then. She would look at me and see a person, not a minority. That was an unexpected layer of relaxation.

It’s also amazing how much Hallyu, the Korean wave in pop culture, has made me feel more legible to a Western gaze. I greatly enjoyed imagining I’d use this photo from Kristin if I ever need to channel “scary mother-in-law in a K-drama.”

I think I’ll go with this one as a standard author photo. I look plausible as a nonfiction writer, right? Buy my book and you have a reasonable chance of not wanting to demand your money back?

Or this one, which my agent, Gordon Warnock, commended for its “solid HP vibes.”

But in my mind, I might be picturing myself as the scary witch who makes potions in the forest, the shadow self that Kristin promised to show me from our first transformational session together.